DIARY

I am officially a creature of the night, I can barely stay awake during the day and then I'm completely fine from 8 pm to 5 am. I try to stay in my room as long as possible because I don't like being around my family, I still wish I could live alone and be more independent. Recently I haven't been doing anything at all, it's like time flies by before I realise and I can't stop it. There's not much that makes me happy, except for comics (at least sometimes). I found this site that lets you keep track of what you read and who your most read characters are. I like that, I like lists, I like keeping track of things. Oh and I cut my hair by myself again, it doesn't look too bad but it's not good either, just mid and I think that's enough. I feel like I do things like that to make me feel in control or because I need a change... Or just because I have free will and I don't think twice before acting on impulsive thoughts. Honestly I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, that's just how I live.

On a happier note, compared to the previous post... I went to the beach last week! It was really nice, sadly I didn't take any pictures but I brought some souvenirs like seashells and a fridge magnet, also I bought a cool leather bracelet and a batman comic (which I already read lol). Personally I don't like the beach that much, there's always too many people around, so my favourite parts were going to different restaurants and eating something different each day, having my own hotel room, and walking around at night. Talking about having my room... one time we came back and the cleaning lady told my mom that there was a smoke smell in my room and that I'm not supposed to smoke inside... the thing is, I don't even smoke!! so I don't know what that was all about, luckily my mom knows I'm innocent because I'm always nagging her to quit smoking. I think that's all I have to mention for now, so see ya later :3

I'm never escaping this fucking neverending cycle. do you have any idea how long it's been? do you fucking know what it feels like to stay up so late at night just waiting for something to happen? I guess I thought about it more deeply this night compared to the previous nights, because this time I finally broke down crying for the first time, it was like reality came crashing in and I realised this whole thing is real, and that I'm fucked up in the head and it's so fucking pathetic and painful at the same time. I keep feeding this feeling because it made my heart race so hard and it made me feel like I was on top of the world. at first it could last a whole month, then a week, then a day, then just an hour... and then I was left with what came after it, the feeling of hitting rock bottom. the worst part is knowing something is bad for me and doing it anyway, because I've tried to get better many times before, I keep setting goals, fresh start for the new year my ass, I fell again and it'll happen after tonight too, and again and again... my head hurts. happy new year, I had a happier entry saved and I was letting it marinate in the notes app because I knew that feeling wouldn't last for long.