DIARY

how fun it is to be alive. I've been really busy with school and other stuff... life sucks as usual and I've been having some ups and downs but I think I'm feeling happy right now, somehow, and that's all that matters. it was my birthday a few days ago! I bought some super cool comics with my own money, I'm a big boy now! and my mom bought me a videogame, Bully, so I've been busy playing that too!! anyways, I think I'm going to do a few layout changes around here at some point, who knows? I just know that it feels good to be back, at least for now.

Long day, I'm tired. Didn't have school today so I went to the rich part of the city to spend my day with the capybaras. There were many of them, I counted 30 but there were probably more. I picked up some of the plastic trash that people threw there. After that I went to a library but there wasn't anything worth buying.

Second week of school and a lot has happened. The girl I like threw an apple at my head, no comments on that one. Today during recess a bunch of guys from a different year came to me, one sat next to me, the other one was behind me playing with my hair (???) and then a girl was filming it. The guy sitting next to me wanted me to tell them who I like, but they didn't explain that to me and just assumed I would understand what was happening (I didn't. I panicked. I don't know how to talk to people.) They left me alone, but I think they were pissed off because I didn't understand what was going on. I hope they don't post that. I have the bad luck of sitting next to the stupid and creepy guy in I.T, we have to do our projects together and he doesn't understand a single thing, which sucks because I have to do all the work and if I don't understand something then he can't help me. And I had to stay at school for 2 more hours because of a medical check or whatever. School sucks in general, but there's nothing I can do about it. Oh and last thing, we have to choose our uniform for next year since it's our last year and my classmates chose a LIGHT PINK HOODIE. Kill me.

First day of school was horrible! My friends hate my guts now because I didn't go to a birthday party so they avoided me, luckily they're in a different class so I didn't care much... Okay, maybe it hurt a little, but whatever. I sat with a girl that tolerates me, everyone else usually ignores me or makes fun of me. Not her, luckily. We had maths, I hate maths! The teacher is the same one as last year, which is good because she's super nice, but besides that I hated it. Then we had English with a new teacher. I love English and I'm usually the teacher's pet when it comes to English and English literature. She kinda avoided me when I tried to participate, maybe I'm too quiet? I sat at the front of the class and tried talking to her but she didn't seem happy. I mean, who is happy on the first day of school? I should be at an art school! Anyways. I tried taking a nap because I had a headache but I couldn't sleep. Later I got home and cried a little while I was trying to sleep because of the pain I was feeling. Now I have a stomach ache and my head feels fine, it's like my body wants me to be in pain at all times!

This week I've been BEGGING my mum to buy some teriyaki chicken for me. She ordered from a sushi place the other day and I got to try it. I hated it. Too sweet. I ended up cooking hotdogs while everyone else was eating sushi. I inherited my mum's shitty laptop since she got a new one. It sucks. Watching YouTube feels like watching a stop motion movie. I got to play Yume Nikki again, that's good. But if I try to open the Sims then the laptop would probably explode. I made some mashed raspberries dipped in chocolate as a snack, this is the second time I'm making them, honestly they tasted and looked better the first time but whatever. There's no internet right now so I'll post this whenever I can.

I don't know how to put my thoughts into words and make them make sense. Here's a few things that happened to me recently. I had pancakes with dulce de leche as a midnight snack the other day because I was feeling greedy but karma came quickly and I spilled dulce de leche all over my bed, now it looks like I took a massive shit on it. I played some more minesweeper on my phone, it teaches me to stop and think instead of jumping into conclusions. My current record is 2 minutes and 12 seconds, which isn't good enough for me but I'm trying to get better. Talking about games, I've been playing Stardew Valley again. I'm trying to reach perfection in my main farm. I played casually for a long time and I'm currently on year 10 and still haven't reached perfection which makes me a bit embarrassed. I've been focusing on fishing since it's my least favourite part of the game. I could talk about Stardew Valley all day, it makes me really happy.

Mm. I woke up at 3 am and spent all morning being sad. I was choking on my pancakes while my whole face was wet with tears and boogers. I was inconsolable! So I had to stay at my aunt's house today. I took a nap and woke up around 9 am, my arms and legs were dirty, I don't know why. And I was home alone because my aunt had to go to the hair salon. I stayed in the guest room and had some mini cookies, I got up to leave the room but I accidentally locked myself in and had to wait an hour until my aunt got back home and unlocked it from outside, then I helped her with the laundry. I got home at 2 pm and took another nap, this time I woke up at 8 pm, I had a thousand messages from my mom asking if I was okay and my grandma was yelling at me from downstairs to wake me up. Just another day for me! Now I'm going to stay awake all night and play videogames in my ant-infested bedroom.

Haven't posted anything here in a while. I'm doing better, I think. The other day a cat walked into my kitchen like it was hers. She usually hangs out in the backyard but recently she's been coming into my house (pictures below). Later that day I went to school and a dog literally guided me there. I don't remember her name, but she likes to go to my aunt's house and play with my aunt's dog, Luna. Well, I was walking to school and I saw her, I petted her and she jumped at me, her paws were covered in mud and she got my t-shirt dirty. I continued walking and she walked in front of me, looking behind her every now and then to make sure I was following. Then she left when I got to the door. After school, I went to my aunt's house and helped her with some chores like cleaning the pool, cutting some tree branches, and she gave me money to go buy some snacks. That was fun, I wanted to talk about it here.

Happy valentine's day if you celebrate it. Sadly I didn't go on a date, but I got brutally butt-fucked by an exam. No aftercare, no nothing, just 2 hours of suffering. Anyways... Here's a redraw I made of a drawing from last year (left is the new one). Fun fact: one time I carved my name on a real cow heart in front of my crush, I still have a picture of it Bye-bye!!

I feel like lately I've been in autopilot mode, just reliving the same day and waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what it is. And I guess that's life for me, static, just waiting... I feel like I'm more my brain than my body at this point. I don't know if that makes sense. It's like I'm trapped inside my body and time just passes by and I can't do anything about it, I can't pause it. I don't know what's going on in my brain. I'm scared to die but I don't want to live. I've pushed all my friends away and isolated myself. I want to be alone but I can't. I wish I was old enough to just disappear from everyone's lives and start over... That's what I really want, a fresh start. I need a chance to make things right and I need to get away from here. I don't belong here, I never did, no matter how much I tried to fit in. I can't wait to be an adult, live alone in my own shitty apartment, and work from home. Just the thought of that makes me a bit happier. I'd like to live in a cold place where it rains a lot. Maybe I should move to London. I guess I have high hopes for the future. I'm not doing well now, but it will get better, right? And that's what I want, for my life to get better.

Hi. I've been making some changes around here, I thought everything looked too simple. I'm really indecisive... I've had an okay-ish week, I guess. I had some ice cream and I made a huge mess, I felt like a toddler again. The power went off today so I've been at my aunt's house since. My therapist cancelled our session right when I had a lot of stuff to talk about, but oh well... I don't really have much to say now. I'm still testing the layouts and stuff. The one currently on this page is a template I modified, but I don't want to use templates on all the pages, feels like cheating. That's all for now. Bye, you.

It's been raining heavily since last night and that makes me so happy. I love the rain, I love walking under the rain, I love it when the sky is grey, I love listening to the thunders... I've been playing minesweeper a lot lately, it's basically my comfort game at this point. I used to play it only when I was going through some stuff and needed something to keep my mind busy, but now I've been playing more often and it keeps me entertained. That's it for now. Bye, you.