DIARY

I'm never escaping this fucking neverending cycle. do you have any idea how long it's been? do you fucking know what it feels like to stay up so late at night just waiting for something to happen? I guess I thought about it more deeply this night compared to the previous nights, because this time I finally broke down crying for the first time, it was like reality came crashing in and I realised this whole thing is real, and that I'm fucked up in the head and it's so fucking pathetic and painful at the same time. I keep feeding this feeling because it made my heart race so hard and it made me feel like I was on top of the world. at first it could last a whole month, then a week, then a day, then just an hour... and then I was left with what came after it, the feeling of hitting rock bottom. the worst part is knowing something is bad for me and doing it anyway, because I've tried to get better many times before, I keep setting goals, fresh start for the new year my ass, I fell again and it'll happen after tonight too, and again and again... my head hurts. happy new year, I had a happier entry saved and I was letting it marinate in the notes app because I knew that feeling wouldn't last for long.